Crimson Shackles
by skyressshun
Summary: Struggling to cope with the changes in life, Kai can't take the loss of control anymore. Turning to drastic measures to gain some semblance of his former life back. Will he go too far? Or will he finally let the Bladebreakers help him revert to a normal teen? Set after season 1.
1. Chapter 1

Just outside a two bedroom hotel room a bluenette was stood leaning against the balcony, watching the nightlife of Tokyo. He didn't know how they'd managed to do it, to convince him to go away with them for a few days. And frankly he wasn't too pleased with himself, seemed a punishment was due.

Why punish himself? Simple, he wasn't going to become weak; he'd suffered too much to let that happen. Lost too much and gained too little. Lost his family, his friends, a normal life, emotions and for what? A simple bit beast, one he loved, but still his whole world for a chip no bigger than a penny.

Pushing away from the cool metal of the balcony rail he turned slightly to gaze in at the teens in the hotels living room. Laughing to some nonsense TV show on that mind numbing box they were so addicted to. He'd never much liked TV, never saw the appeal it had, never saw the benefit it had to him. Why would one want to sit before a box and become its servant? He was no one's servant. Never again would he be. He was free, and it was going to stay that way.

Despite himself though, he did allow a small smile to grace his usually placid face. Damn, he was getting weak. He could feel it, a small spark of happiness inside him at watching those naïve children. How he could tolerate, and dare he say, like them was beyond him. They were idiots, naïve idiots. And yet, he couldn't break away from them. They kept pulling him back, refusing to let him go back to his non-confusing life.

A punishment was definitely due. Maybe after he could regain some of his former self? How did he punish himself? The same way his grandfather did, through pain and food. Mainly food, after all, there was no greater control one could have over someone when they controlled the thing that sustained their life.

Nodding absentmindedly at his own thoughts he turned fully, debating with himself on whether to go back in. It wasn't cold, well, to him at least. But the night was wearing on, and if he was going to skip his meal with the least notice he'd have to do it while they were serving their electronic master. After all, he didn't need them prying into the last part of his life he had control over. No, they wouldn't take this away from him.

Deciding to no longer hide away in the seclusion of the balcony he forced himself back inside. Passing the Bladebreakers without even gaining a glance in his direction, perfect, the less they saw the easier this was.

Trying to ignore the tingling in his fingers as they were woken by the warm air the bluenette entered the room he shared with Ray. Ray, perhaps the only one he could stand to be around, the only one intelligent enough not to bore him in their conversation. Maybe that was why he chose Ray over Kenny. True, Kenny was smart, but only if it involved a computer. Ray however seemed to have a grasp on the world that even he didn't fully understand. He knew when and when not to pry. Maybe that was it, Ray respected his privacy.

Whatever it was it wasn't important. And the blood eyed teen simply flicked on the lights and dropped back onto his bed. Thankful that the room had two singles, it wouldn't do if he got blood on the neko-jin. Fumbling around in one of the deep pockets on his trousers he pulled out a simple penknife, the wooden handle having two simple initials engraved into it 'SH'. SH, Susumu Hiwatari, his father's knife; the last thing of his father he had.

Glancing down at the door with mild apprehension settling in his stomach he pulled off one of his arm guards. He hadn't locked the door, couldn't, it'd look suspicious if he had. He couldn't risk snaring their curiosity. It wouldn't bode well, for either of them.

His eyes scanned over his arm, almost unseeing, he'd mapped the countless scars on his arm before, many times. Some days he'd just lay there trying to count them all. He never managed to, always getting swept up in the memories that caused those scars to multiply. Memories that caused them to switch from clean horizontal strokes across the skin to diagonal zigzagging lines, looking like they hadn't been made by a clean knife but a rusted nail.

Shaking his head to free himself from his mind he pressed the cold steel against his pale flesh.

'Oh well, best get on with it.'

**Just an idea that's been stuck in my head for a while. The next chapter will be longer than this, this is just to see if it's any good. Please read review**


	2. Chapter 2

Hours later the rest of the Bladebreakers finally switched off the TV. Ray rubbed a hand over his eyes as he looked around at his friends. Kenny had his head buried in his laptop once again, whispering to Dizzi as he typed. Apparently he was doing this top secret project that the others couldn't know about yet. Smiling softly at the computer genius he stared at Tyson, somehow the teen had found the food they'd hidden and was promptly stuffing his face. And Max, well the blond had fallen asleep about half an hour earlier.

"Hey, where's Kai?" Ray asked as he glanced at the balcony, the last place they'd seen their cold captain.

"How should we know where the old sourpuss is?" Tyson asked around a mouth full of chocolate.

"Tyson, don't say that, he's getting better" the neko-jin defended as he pushed himself up from the groove he'd created in the sofa. Ignoring the balcony already seeing the teen vacant from his previous spot he pushed open the door to his bedroom. Glancing in to see Kai fast asleep beneath the covers "he's asleep" Ray noted as he stared at the bluenette sound asleep in his bed. The cold façade he always had slipping slightly.

"What?" They all asked simultaneously moving to look around the neko.

"He's asleep, since when does Kai go to sleep before us?" Tyson asked as he stared in at the sleeping bluenette.

"Since we started staying up till three am" Kenny answered, his voice holding shock as he looked at the small clock on Dizzi

"Three am? Wow, I think it's time for bed" Ray smiled as he pushed the two back. "Take Max to bed guys" he told them simple slipping inside his room and closing the door behind his back.

He stopped before Kai's bed. He'd never been awake before the bluenette nor had he stayed up longer than the boy. So he never got the chance to see him sleeping. And it was quite a strange sight. The mask that was always in place keeping the cold captain at a distance was dropped and he looked just like the other members. Those intimidating marks on his cheeks gone taking away the almost feral look they gave him.

Smiling softly to himself he turned to get into his own bed. Kai would kill him if he knew he'd been watching him sleep. But Ray did notice one more thing before bedding down. Kai looked quite pale, paler than he'd ever seen him. And it couldn't just be because those marks were gone.

Closing his eyes he brushed his bound hair away from his shoulder and settled down for a short sleep. No doubt tomorrow he'd be dealing with a very grumpy team. Maybe Kai would seem the more cheery, he quickly shook his head. No need to get carried away, should that happen he'd have a heart attack.

0000

The sun streamed in through the partially closed blind in their room, great, he'd forgotten to close them. Bringing up a lethargic arm he shielded his eyes from the rays and tried to shuffle deeper into his covers. He was not going to wake till the ice prince told him to.

"Get up Ray" a cold voice invaded the cosy room making him curse his own mind.

"Damn, I just jinxed myself." He muttered, running a hand through his hair.

"I don't care what you did, get up" the voice continued and the neko cracked open his eye in annoyance.

"Five more minutes" he tried shuffling deeper into his covers.

"Get up; it's your own fault. Don't bother complaining"

"But Kai..." his whine was cut off by the slam of his bedroom door.

Letting out a discontented whine he kicked back his covers. Why did he even bother? Of course the bluenette would never be kind enough to give him a few moments more sleep. Glancing to his side he caught sight of the alarm clock.

7:15

Apparently he was wrong. Kai'd given him an extra quarter of an hour. Smiling at the small show of humanity from the icy captain the neko-jin pushed himself onto his hands.

If Kai'd given him a little longer in bed he'd wake up the rest of the team. It was only fair he had to deal with Tyson.

Slipping from his bed, he pulled open their bedroom door and stared at the bluenette seated by the table. His usual coffee mug rested before him and the paper in his hand. Smirking Ray noted that the teen was like a father in many respects. He was calm, strict and definitely knew how to play the part over breakfast.

"I'll wake the others up" he called over, receiving a nod from the teen. 'Well, it's better than he used to be' he reasoned with himself as he turned to enter the others room. When they'd first met Kai he wouldn't even acknowledge them when they spoke to him. Not unless they needed an actual answer that required words.

Pushing the door open the first thing he noticed was the distinct lack of snoring. Tyson snored like a fat old man, and if that snoring wasn't there something had to be wrong. Staring at the two beds he saw the mop of brown hair that was Kenny and the blond hair that was Max. But he could see no navy hair.

"Guys, come on get up" Ray shouted, flicking the light on and watching as the two boys rose from their beds. Their eyes half closed and their forms slouched.

"What?" They both groaned out

"Get up"

"No"

"Why?"

"Cos we have to, come on Kenny."

"But I'm tired" the small boy protested as Ray reached over and grabbed at his arm. Pulling him from his bed with ease, the small boy was very light.

"Come on, don't look like that Chief. Where's Tyson?"

"I don't know. He was snoring and Max threw a pillow at him. After that silence, I don't know what happened to him after that. I was too happy for the silence to care." Rolling his eyes at the sleepy boy he grabbed his glasses from the nightstand and settled them on his face.

"Alright, get dressed and pull Max out of bed. And maybe look for Tyson. I don't really want Kai to get him up. Who knows what he'll do to him?"

"Yeah, I suppose you're right" he agreed as he readjusted his glasses to settle more comfortably on his hair.

Turning he left the room to allow the boy some privacy and saw Kai was still sat at the breakfast table quietly sipping his drink.

"Uh, Kai" Ray called catching the boys attention who glanced over his shoulder to look. Raising a brow at the teen he silently asked what. "Have you eaten yet?" He asked, noting the lack of food on the table.

"No" he answered simply, turning back to his coffee.

"Aren't you hungry?"

"No"

"Am I going to get more than a one word answer to my questions?"

"No"

Sighing the neko ran a hand down his face, sometimes it was hard trying to make the teen social. He'd asked Ian before they left Russia why he seemed the most talkative; and sane, member of the team and even he was silent and all he got was

'We're abbey kids, the more time you spend there the worse you're affected. I was in there for the least time. Kai was one of the longest. The others are in between.'

It did help the neko slightly, but still, some days he was cooperative and others, like today, he was the complete opposite. It was confusing. There was a pattern though, and he hoped he wasn't the only one seeing it. When the teen ate he was cooperative. Well, more cooperative. And when he skipped his meal he went back to the cold heartless ice prince they knew so well.

"Would you like me to make you something?" He tried, hoping he could coax the boy into being social.

"No"

"Do you want me to shut up?"

"Yes"

With a mostly silenced dejected sigh Ray moved over to the fridge to prepare breakfast for the others. No doubt they'd be too tired to make their own. His eyes kept straying to the half full coffee pot Kai had insisted on bringing with him. Surely the bluenette wouldn't mind him stealing a bit. Would he? Kai knew just how tired he was, surely he'd let it go this once.

Grabbing a clean cup off the side he poured it full of the brown liquid not noticing the bluenette's gaze on his back. Him silently questioning what the neko was doing.

Ray had never liked coffee before, tearing his gaze away from the puzzling boy he fixed it back onto his paper. Truth be told, he wasn't really reading it, today it was full of tedious drivel but it stopped the brat pack from trying to engage him in conversation. He considered that a punishment even he didn't deserve.

"You don't mind me drinking some of your coffee do you Kai?"

"No" again he received no more than a one word answer but he could hear Kai's tone was annoyed. Obviously he was wondering why they were talking when Ray agreed to shut up.

"Sorry" he whispered begrudgingly as he sat down with his hot drink, Ray had never liked coffee but he knew how good it was at waking you up so he made an exception. It did look a little like hot chocolate so hopefully he could convince himself that that was all it was.

As he went to take a sip he could hear the sounds of his teammates getting ready, apparently they'd found Tyson. Shaking his head with a soft smile he took his first sip and prepared himself for a long day. One that didn't feel like it'd be quite how it should.

**please read review**


	3. Chapter 3

It had taken no more than ten minutes for all the bladebreakers to leave their room and seat themselves around the table. Kenny sitting next to Kai with Max and a slightly red faced Tyson opposite them.

"What's with the sour face Ty?" Ray asked as he sipped more of his coffee, trying not to pull a face, it was nowhere near as bad as the last time he'd drank it but that still didn't mean it was pleasant.

"Well, I get kicked off the bed in the middle of the night, too tired to get up I roll under the bed, and what happens then they're looking for me in the morning? Well, they only go and kick me in the face."

"We said we were sorry Ty, don't be a baby"

"I'm not being a baby, it hurt, you try waking up to a foot in the morning."

Kai zoned out of the conversation, not in the slightest bit bothered by their quarrel. Children would always fight; it was a fact of life. He was just glad he'd had that faze away from them. No doubt they'd have had a laugh out of it should they have seen how he and Tala fought.

"Kai, back me up here, being kicked in the face isn't the best way to wake up is it?"

"Better than some of the other ways" he muttered, more to himself than to them, but they'd heard. And Kai realised his slip up too late to stop it. He mentally berated himself as he covered his face more with his paper.

"What was that?" Tyson asked, freezing at hearing Kai's words.

"What was what?" The bluenette repeated, feigning ignorance.

"That, what 'other ways'"

Trying to stop the sigh he wanted to let out Kai shrugged one shoulder in as non-caring a way as he could. When in reality he was panicking slightly. Why had he done that? He always watched what he said around them. Why did he suddenly think it was safe to mutter something like that? Something that could bring on a lot of follow on questions, none of which could be good.

"Don't play dumb Kai, you never talk and when you finally do you expect us to not notice."

"I don't know what you're talking about, now be quiet, I'm trying to read"

"Kai, you've done nothing but answer me with one word all morning. Now you're suddenly in sentences? Honestly, we're not as dumb as you think we are."

"I highly doubt that." Was Kai's icy reply, he was getting irritated with this group. Why couldn't they just drop it? Why did he have to be so stupid as to let his guard slip? They weren't the Demolition boys; they didn't know what he did. He couldn't and shouldn't speak to them as though they were.

"Don't speak to us like we're dumb Kai, just because you believe you're better than us doesn't mean you can talk to us like that." Kai sent a warning glare to the glasses wearing boy, who backed down instantly. Kenny couldn't deny that he was scared of Kai, after what happened with the Blade Sharks how couldn't he be?

"Listen, it was a slip of the tongue, nothing more, so shut up and get back to eating" he ground out, lowering his paper to glare at the boys in turn. Seeing them all visibly back down he mentally smirked.

Tyson pushed himself up from the table, intent to have the last word. As soon as he opened his mouth the hotel room door swung open.

"Good morning boys" a cheery voice rang through the room, gaining everyone's attention and leaving Tyson with his mouth hanging open.

"Good morning Mr Dickinson"

"Good morning to you too Ray." The happy fat man greeted as he waddled towards the boys his cane tapping as he went.

"What're you doing here Mr Dickinson?" Tyson asked, managing to finally speak.

"Well, I just wondered how my favourite boys are. So I thought I'd pop over and see. You don't mind do you boys?" The elder asked as he took the only remaining seat there was around the table.

"Of course not Mr D" Tyson assured as he started to shovel food down his throat. Where so much food had come from was beyond them.

"Well, I'm glad Tyson, now what's going on with you?" He asked innocently, unaware that he had just pulled the plug on a dam.

"Well, Mr D, Kai here thinks we're stupid and won't answer our question. He keeps ignoring us, and he's insulting us." He kept ranting on to the old man well aware that Kai had blocked him out, his head in his paper but his mind elsewhere.

The old man looked uncomfortable with the current situation; he sat at the desk his face shifting between the two bladers. Tyson ranting at the bluenette while facing the old man, simultaneously shovelling food into his face, and Kai sitting pretending to be reading, his only give away being his closed eyes.

"Tyson, I don't think Mr Dickinson wants to hear you bitch"

"Max, language" the neko and elder scolded in perfect tandem.

"Sorry" he apologised pouting slightly at being reprimanded by them both.

"But he's right Ty, let it go, we should know better than to expect Kai to answer us." Ray added on, not wanting to hurt the energetic blond.

"But he was getting so much better. He actually went to the movies with us yesterday." The navy haired boy complained shocking Mr Dickinson with that bit of information.

"Alright, I'll admit he was opening up to us but still, we had to promise not to speak to him for the rest of the day."

"Still, its progress"

"Yes, but not enough to get more out of him now" Ray answered, hating himself for defending the bluenette when he was just as curious as them. If not more. Sharing a room with the boy gave him a better insight to him than they had but still. The amount of stuff he knew about the teen could be written on a stamp.

"Fine, I'll wait, God we'd get more out of a rock" the boy sighed stopping eating before his friends for what was probably the first time in his life.

An awkward silence fell over the group stretching out for many minutes. Before the sound of a chair squeaking on wooden floors broke through the air. All eyes turned to the bluenette who'd stood from his chair his back already to them.

"You have fifteen minutes to finish eating before we start training." He stated coldly as he marched off to his room his scarf flicking into Tyson's face as he left. It looked accidental enough but the teen was sure the boy had done it on purpose. As soon as the door shut the group turned to Mr Dickinson starting to barrage him with problems concerning their dear leader.

"He never talks to us"

"He doesn't eat"

"He locks himself away for hours and when he doesn't do that he disappears"

"When he does talk he has a go at us"

"One at a time please" Mr Dickinson begged as he held up his hands silencing the boys.

"Now Ray, what do you mean he doesn't eat?"

"He hasn't eaten today and last night he skipped dinner. He always does it and it's rare we see him eat more than once every couple of days"

"Yeah and when he does eat he talks to us a little" Tyson added having noticed the pattern in the boy's habits"

"Well boys, I'll have to have a word with Kai" pushing himself up he headed towards the bedroom door which had closed just over five minutes ago.

0000

As soon as the door closed behind him Kai dropped onto his bed, allowing himself to drop forwards and sigh. He never allowed himself to slouch in front of the brat pack. He'd rather go to a therapist, as Tala so often suggested, than do that. They'd see him as weak and that could not happen.

Righting himself most of the way he pulled off his arm guard, the protective material irritating his painful arm. Ordinarily he'd ignore the discomfort; after all to give in to a mild irritant would prove just how weak he was. Not just to himself but to that tyrant he knew as his grandfather.

Unclipping his quite beloved clothing he allowed his right arm to be bare to the world. The countless scars and fresh cuts littering his pale flesh would seem ugly to those around but to him they played an important job. They told of his life, as painful and cruel as that life was it was his own. Those scars helped fill in the many blanks the abbey left.

Preventing himself from taking a trip down memory lane he pulled open the bedside drawer grabbing a box of wipes. Hidden there but now unknown to the neko-jin. Of course the cat boy only knew them as face paint removers.

Grabbing a wipe from inside the box he started to clear around the five new slices in his skin. He never used to do so many, one would always suffice but lately he'd been feeling more self-hatred than usual. Was that a good thing? Probably not but he was not one to complain.

The incisions in his flesh had already begun to gather puss, that wasn't good. True, he did intend to cause himself scars. But those scars were small, easy to hide under his guards, and infected cut unable to be seen by a doctor would cause a far larger scar. One that wasn't easy to cover.

He wasn't going through that again, not after the accident with his face all those years ago. That accident caused him to wear these bloody shark fins every day since.

Biting the inside of his lip he started to clean the slightly bloody flesh that had only been exposed to the world a few hours ago. It stung, as it always did, but it wasn't unbearable. He hadn't grown so weak that he couldn't even clean a wound without holding someone's hand. Trying to stop himself from spitting in disgust at his own mental track he focused all his attention on finishing this task before the Bladebreakers decided they had time to watch some TV.

He was so withdrawn into himself that his mind didn't even register the clicking of the lock or the slight squeak of old hinges.

"Oh Kai..."

**please read review**


	4. Chapter 4

He froze like a deer in headlights, crimson eyes widening in shock. His hand was hovering just millimetres away from his flesh. Please let that be his imagination. It wasn't.

"Kai!" The old man gasped as he slammed the door closed on the advancing Bladebreakers. They'd snuck forwards at the old man's hesitation. Flicking the lock closed he grabbed the teens arm. "What happened? Who did this?" He asked, verging on frantic. Who could have hurt him?

"No one" Kai answered simply, wrenching his arm free.

"Don't lie to me Kai, who did this. I'll call the police and have them locked up!"

"No one" the bluenette repeated as he pulled his arm guard back onto his arm. Wincing mildly as his skin was pinched and pulled by the material. It'd been a while since he'd had to do that and he had forgotten how much it hurt to pull at raw skin.

"Kai, you have cuts on your arm. How did they happen?"

"None of your business" Kai answered, struggling intensely with his anger so as not to snap at the old man. Despite not mentioning it to anyone he did have respect for him, and it would go against everything he'd been taught to snap at him.

"Kai, tell me who did that?" Mr Dickinson pressed, yes he may have been a cheery old man but when it came to his Bladebreakers he wasn't so happy. He cared about them and should one be hurt he was going to deal with it.

"Me!" Forgetting what he knew he hissed the answer at the old man. Not caring about the look of hurt and confusion that passed over his face.

"Kai what do you-" before he could finish asking Kai forced his way out of the bedroom, shoving the teens aside who'd been trying, with little success, to listen in from the door.

"I'm going out" he told them simply not bothering to grab a jacket despite the unusually cold morning it was. "Training's cancelled"

A loud slam finalised his words and all was silent for many minutes before...

"Yes! No training! This is the best morning ever!" Tyson cheered as he dived back to the table and started to eat everyone else's forgotten breakfasts.

"Mr Dickinson?" Ray asked, ignoring Tyson's inhuman eating habits. Just because the navy haired boy was oblivious to the problem didn't mean they were.

Kai was mad, nothing new there, but with Mr Dickinson? He never lost his cool with the old man. And Mr Dickinson wasn't laughing and saying 'lively young boy isn't he?' Something was very wrong.

"It's alright Ray, I'll deal with it. Go, finish breakfast, or at least try and save your breakfast from Tyson." Turning from the old man he saw the others had left to do just that.

"Alright Mr Dickinson, but if something's wrong with him you'll tell us right?"

"Of course Ray, now go eat, I'll be back soon. We just need to talk."

"Mr Dickinson, Kai left"

"I know but he can't be too hard to find, can he?"

"No offence Mr D, but you've never seen one of Kai's vanishing acts. If he wants to be alone you can't find him. We once spent five hours looking for him with no success. When we came back to the hotel he came back ten minutes later, acting as though nothing happened. So trust me. You won't be able to find him"

"Well, I could try" the old man answered as he left the hotel room starting his search for the elusive enigma that was the ice prince Kai.

"He realises his hunt if impossible right?" Tyson asked taking a minute break from eating to ask that.

"No, he seems to think he can outsmart Kai"

"Like that'll ever happen!"

0000

Kai hadn't left the hotel as he usually did. No, he'd stayed put. In fact he was in his room. Well he was on the roof above his bedroom. He didn't know if that counted but he classified it as though it did.

His legs were hanging over the side of the building and he was resting on his hands staring up at the bright night sky. The moon and stars lighting up the night better than any artificial light could.

Though he would never admit it aloud he did enjoy stargazing. The fact that hundreds of people over thousands of years had created stories from the stars fascinated him. They interested his mind so much he'd partake in what he considered indulgence and would buy an abundance of books on nothing but the history surrounding stars. It wouldn't be a stretch to say he'd spent well into the hundred pound mark when it came to money.

He could instantly see all the correlations. And each one held its own history.

"You know Dranzer; sometimes I think life isn't so bad. And I only think that when I'm looking at the stars." He knew she couldn't respond but it was comforting to talk to someone. On days when all the crap his grandfather put him through became too much he'd go out onto his roof and talk to Dranzer as they watched the stars. He found himself wishing she could talk back many times. And tonight was no different.

Letting his arms relax he slowly lowered himself so he was laid out flat on the roof his eyes never leaving the stunning canvas displayed out for him.

"I'm sure you'd like the stars too Dranzer. I can always feel you warm in my hand when we watch the stars at home. Too bad today isn't like then. You never warm after I cut. Why?" He asked, already knowing the answer.

She hated that he cut himself, he could feel disappointment radiate off her. But still, even knowing the only woman, the only person, he ever loved hated what he did. He couldn't bring himself to stop. No matter how much it burned the back of his head to stop there was always a little voice telling him he deserved the pain he caused himself.

Unlike most he didn't cut to get rid of emotional pain, no he cut because he deserved it. Plain and simple.

And no matter how hard she tried to convince him otherwise, he could never hear her voice. To Dranzer that was the worse pain. To Kai, that was solace. He didn't deserve to hear her voice.

"Dranzer? I'm sorry." He told her simple. Knowing she knew exactly what he was talking about. Ever since the American tournament he'd been having this discussion with her, one sided but he knew how she felt. He'd been talking to her about his end. And if he was honest, he would much rather die the man he is now than wait till he's broken.

0000

Inside her bit chip Dranzer was more than restless. Hell, she was furious with her blader. She knew what he meant, of course she did. Being with someone since they were a child made it easy to interpret their words.

'I'm sorry' basically meant 'I can't do this'.

And she knew he couldn't. He was getting worse every day. Less food more self-punishment. He couldn't continue like this. But he was too damn stubborn to seek help.

'Relying on others makes you weak'. The old man would endlessly chant to his young grandson. And those words stuck, they stuck bad.

That damned Hiwatari pride. And that damn grandfather. This was all his fault.

Dranzer knew she couldn't stop her blader from doing it. She just prayed he'd wait till they returned to the mansion.

"If you do this please wait Kai. Don't be like him and fuck up more lives." She begged, hoping with all hope that he would hear that one thing. Out of everything she wanted to scream she wished he'd listen to that one thing.

Innocence was a rarity. And those boys were innocent.

**I know it's short but it felt like a good place to end it. I'll make sure the next chapter's longer. So please read review**


	5. Chapter 5

Staring up at the sky Kai could swear he heard a voice in the back of his head. But it was so far away he couldn't make out the words. All he knew was the voice was soft, caring, loving he dared to think. But who would love him?

He almost laughed at the mere thought of being cared about so deeply.

His 'friends', if they could be called that cared for him in the shakiest form of the word. His grandfather, well, he'd rather he die than shame the family. The Demolition boys? Well, they were better than the old man. The only possibility would be Dranzer. But how could she love him? Still love him? He'd abandoned her, thrown her away as though she was nothing. And why? For power. Yes, he'd tried to convince himself that it was for the best. That if she stayed she'd just have been experimented on. But, he knew the truth.

He was selfish.

He didn't deserve her. He didn't deserve her love. And for that reason he knew it wasn't her in his head.

0000

The old man returned to the hotel room heavy hearted. He hadn't found Kai; it was as though the teen had vanished. He wiped a hand across his brow pausing outside the boy's door. He knew he had to go in, of course he did. But, how was he going to tell the boys he couldn't find their captain. What's more, he had to find out what was wrong with Kai.

The boy was cutting himself!

When? How long? Why? They were all questions he had to ask the bluenette. What could have happened in his life to make him do this to himself? He'd gotten a good look of the teen's arm, and this wasn't the first time, it wouldn't be the last either. That he was sure of. There were more scars on his arms than what should be physically possible.

Pushing the door handle down he entered the hotel room immediately being greeted by four wide pairs of eyes.

"Well?" They all asked, though they already knew the answer.

"I couldn't find him"

"Don't worry about it Mr D, we'll go look for him again later. Once he's calmed down" Ray, always the voice of reason within the group, spoke up. Pushing himself up from the table to offer his seat. "What happened Mr Dickinson? Why'd Kai take off? He doesn't make it so obvious unless he's mad"

"What do you mean Ray?"

"Well, he always vanishes. But when it's just normal disappearance he goes without a sound. He can be there one second you turn to look at something look back and he's gone. But when he's mad he'll show a little emotion and storm out. He did the latter"

"Well boys, I can tell you, but only if you promise not to panic and interrogate Kai as soon as he enters the room."

"Alright" Max agreed instantly receiving agreeing nods from the others surrounding him. Even Dizzi offered a 'spill it' to the old man.

"If you insist, well boys, Kai, uh Kai has a problem-"

"Is he alright?"

"Should we be worried?"

"Is it why he's not eating?"

"Is it why he's been gone all day?"

"Is he going to die?!" Kenny screeched, a horrid image of a bloodied Kai popping up in his head for no apparent reason.

"No boys, well, in honestly I don't know. It may well be why he's so distant. All I know boys is...Kai cuts himself"

0000

The room was silent for many minutes, those words, they were so blunt. So to the point, no sugar coating. And for once they wished it was. They wished the elder had told them 'Kai had a problem'. But they all knew had that been the answer they'd have barraged him with questions. Insisting to know the truth.

Now? They didn't know what to say, how to act, how to breathe even. Shell shocked would have been more than an understatement.

Mr Dickinson couldn't take his eyes off the teens. They had to know, he'd worked with children long enough to know that. But, their faces, they were completely destroyed. Was the truth worth it? Would it have been better to let them question him? He could handle a few awkward questions if only to save the look of complete devastation that marred their faces.

To think, they'd missed that on their unshakeable captain. The cold ice prince cut himself to deal with his problems. How terrible they were as friends to have missed that?

"M-Mr Dickinson...?" Ray started, but he trailed off, he didn't know what to say. What did one say when hearing such news?

"I know it must be a shock, but don't question him about it. He's got problems, the extent of which I don't know, he needs our help. Not our judgment"

"We'd never judge him" Max answered immediately, slightly offended that the man would think they could be so low. "If Kai has problems we need to help him, that's a no brainer. The question is how? I don't know about you but I don't know anything about this kind of thing. Ray, you share a room, you know him better than us. Did you ever think?" He asked, not caring that he'd startled his friends by the amount of seriousness he could show. Now wasn't the time for his hyper self.

"No, I-I never thought...I never thought..." he couldn't finish, his head dropping into his hands as he tried to find the words. Some words, any that could help.

"It's alright Ray" Mr Dickinson started, resting a hand on his shoulder and giving it a tentative squeeze. "You shouldn't blame yourself. You'd do anything for your friends" he assured, trying to coax come positive answer from the neko.

"If that's true then why didn't I realise my friend was hurting?" He asked, his face muffled by the table now firmly planted against his face.

"Because, Kai, well he's a closed book. He doesn't let just anyone see what's inside. Evidently what's inside is causing him a lot of pain, pain we must try and ease. Now, I'm not trying to pressurise you Ray but do you think you could speak to him tonight. Ask him if there's anything at all he'd like to speak about."

"Kai'd never speak to me about anything personal." He sighed as he straightened himself to the best of his ability. "The best I got was him telling me his birthday...and it may not even be the real date."

"It doesn't have to be personal Ray, just try and talk to him. Let him know someone wants to hear what he has to say. Who knows, he may vent to you."

"I doubt it Mr Dickinson"

As the old man went to speak the door swung open a tired bluenette strode in. The teen wasn't physically tired more emotionally, yet the signs still showed badly. Slamming the door half-heartedly closed he headed straight for his bedroom not even sparing them a glance. Apparently he hadn't even noticed them.

Shutting the door a lock could clearly be heard in the deathly silent room.

0000

Slumping onto his bed he dropped backwards staring at the dark ceiling.

'I can't do this' he thought to himself as he pulled his scarf from his neck throwing it to the floor. He dug his hand into his pocket, searching for the one thing he knew he'd find. As soon as his fingers brushed the cold wood of the knife he pulled it from his pocket, cradling it in the black room. Pulling out the blade he watched as it glinted in the silver glow of the moon.

Pressing the cold metal to his arm he could feel the familiar sting as blood pooled around the blade. He stared blindly at his arm, not feeling the familiar sense of relief he usually garnered from the icy blade. More a sense of greater guilt. Pulling the knife away he was tempted to throw the blade in frustration. But he held himself. A memory coming to him as a stroke of realisation.

'Your arm isn't the only place you can cut, my brother once told me if you cut your neck it can do a much better job' the voice rang out, a familiar voice, the voice of a cyan eyed redhead.

In a moment of desperation for the guilt and pain he was constantly feeling he pressed the blade to the pale flesh of his neck. Wincing as the sharp knife broke the first few layers of his skin. This definitely hurt more than his arm. Surely that meant it would work better.

0000

"Should we go in?" Max asked, breaking the silence that had formed.

"He locked the door Maxie; he doesn't want to see us"

"But he never wants to see us" the blond argued, staring across at the navy haired teen whose eyes hadn't strayed once from the door since the eldest had locked himself away.

"Here Max, you can open the door with this." Ray held out their bedroom key, placing it in the boy's hand. Yes, Kai would be mad that they were doing this but Ray couldn't rid himself of the intense guilt that was gnawing him up at knowing his friend was cutting himself and he was completely unaware.

"Thanks Ray" pushing away from the chair he made his way over to the enigma's room staring at the lock as though it were going to come to life.

"Max?" Kenny asked from his seat, staring at the sullen blond

"Yeah ok" slipping the key into the lock he held his breath as he waited for the click. It felt so wrong, prying into Kai's personal space. The boy was always guarded, should he really do this?

He didn't have time to back out as the distinctive click sounded and he pressed his hand down, the door swinging open. Unable to see so much as the boy's silhouette in the ink black room he switched the light on, expecting to see the boy stretched out on his bed. What he actually saw made his heart stop.

"KAI!"

**please read review**


	6. Chapter 6

What happened next was like a blur. Ray knew that someone had called the police and the ambulance but how long it took never registered. All that he could see was the haunted look on Max's face and the pale complexion of his captain.

He had stood there for however long simply staring at Kai as paramedics swarmed the room forcing him out of the way, but even as they worked on him all he could think was. He's dead.

Blood had pooled around the stoic boy, smudging his face and neck, a gaping wound over his jugular still pumping out blood. Though the flow was steadily slowing. None of the team could move, they simply watched as their broken captain was tended to. He could hardly hear what they were saying; all he could do was stare at his friend. A boy they knew so little of.

Two words did register though:

'Accidental suicide'

And it was those words that had made the neko break down. They hadn't even had the chance to help. Kai hadn't even had the choice himself. He was doing the only thing he knew, and it cost him his life.

"Ray?" A teary voice asked, breaking him out of his thoughts.

"Yeah Kenny?"

"Are you alright?" The small boy asked, holding his laptop open to his chest, Dizzi's robotic voice whispering soothing words to him.

"I'm fine Chief." He offered the younger a soft smile, gripping Kai's hand tighter. The paramedics were still working on the blood soaked bluenette. Mr Dickinson holding his treasured scarf, hoping against all hope that he'd awaken to wear it once more.

His neck had been patched up though the bandage was already dripping with blood.

"Hey, we don't want to give you false hope but we're getting a pulse. It's weak and could vanish any second. But it's a start"

The words of the exhausted and blood covered paramedic lifted a weight of a thousand tons from their shoulders. But that didn't help too much, it still felt like the weight of the world was crushing them.

"So, he might make it?"

"Less than a might kid. I'd give him a less than one per cent chance."

Max's head dropped at that, he'd been starting to hope. But he had better chances of stopping Tyson eating.

"Hey, don't look like that Maxie, it's only small but there's still a chance."

"Yeah Ty, I suppose. Still, I don't want to hope. If I do it'll only hurt more if he doesn't make it."

"They're doing everything they can to save him. He's coming back to us bit by bit. I have faith in them, you should too. You know Maxie, I believe Kai'll live"

"I'm holding you to that Tyson"

They all quietened down as the sirens quietened the ambulance pulling to a stop. Staring out the back windows they saw two men dressed in scrubs running to them a stretcher between them. Throwing the doors open they slid Kai from the ambulance, holding him in place on the padded board. One man holding the blood transfusion the other keeping his hand pressed to the bandaged wound.

"Follow us, we're taking him to the ICU" with that they ran off the bluenette wheeled towards the doors.

"What're we waiting for? Come on" jumping from the back Ray sprinted after, the others following suit. Mr Dickinson following behind at more of a waddled pace, Kai's scarf fluttering in the breeze as he ran.

0000

They were taken to a private ward due to Kai's critical condition. At seeing him wheeled past nurses and doctors had chased after all speaking at once asking what had happened to the 'bluenette from the TV'.

At the moment Kai'd been set on a bed, covers pulled up, the white of the sheets almost blending into the pale hue of his skin. The Bladebreakers sat around the bed staring intently at the heart monitor. It did have beats, but they were few and far between. Air was being forced up his nose to keep his brain alive and multiple drips were in his arms, feeding him blood and various other liquids.

The doctors had left just moments ago, all refusing to look them in the eye. The situation was grave, that much was obvious, and none wanting to give them any hope. They'd all seen the cuts on his arms and for the first time the Bladebreakers had finally seen how much and long Kai had abused himself. It was easy to see that they were stunned, they'd all had to clench their fists. Some in anger, some confusion but also to stop themselves from mapping the contours of his arm. It was like an intricate guide to Kai's life. Something they were all in the dark on.

"Why do you think he did it?" Tyson asked, breaking the silence that had formed in the solemn room.

"He was obviously hurting"

"No Ray, I don't mean cutting himself. I mean why slit his throat"

"It was accidental, they even said"

"No, it was accidental suicide. Meaning he'd meant to do it just not as deep. Why the hell would he think it a good idea to slit his throat?!"

"Stop it! Stop fighting! And stop saying that!" Max yelled, effectively shutting the two up, all turning to stare at the blond with tears streaking down his face. "Just stop it Tyson"

"Maxie, I-I'm sorry" the navy haired teen apologised as he pulled his friend into a comforting hug. He knew Max wore his heart on his sleeve, hearing him speak so candidly, even if it was from anger, must have affected him badly.

"Just stop, don't fight while Kai's fighting for his life"

"We won't Max" the neko assured as he seated himself back in his seat, unaware of when he'd stood.

Silence enveloped the room once more, all staring at the bluenette. Waiting for him to either open his eyes or drift into oblivion.

**I know it's incredibly short but I have my reasons, I've tried to place a poll on my profile about if you want Kai to live or die. If you want a say in how I finish this story please vote on it. Thanks. Please read review.**


	7. Chapter 7

Hours passed and still nothing. The doctors had told them he was as stable as he would ever be. They'd placed him into a medically induced coma so they could control everything about his health. His heart was the only thing they weren't controlling. Air was pushed up his nose; blood was coursing through his veins from the drips which were slowly dwindling in numbers as his body gradually acquired the adequate amount.

The teens hadn't left their captains side, each taking turns to sit by his head and whisper to him. Anything to make the boy fight to wake up. Kai's main doctor had stated that it was rare for patients in a medically inducted coma to wake without the use of some drug, but that didn't deter the Bladebreakers. Their captain wasn't exactly ordinary.

At the current moment it was Ray by his side, he was speaking to the eldest while the others slept.

"Please wake up Kai, I don't know what's happened to you but I know it must be something bad. But please wake up, don't leave us. You're our captain. We need you." Leaning back in his seat the neko took Kai's hand, making the bluenette clench harder on the blue blade in his hand. "Dranzer needs you."

Pressing his face to his hands he dragged them down his face, trying to wake himself up. But it was no use; he could feel his eyes dropping more every second. And not a minute later he was fast asleep.

Leaving his captain alone to face his nightmares.

0000

"_Grandfather, grandfather please" a small bloodied hand reached out to grab onto the elder's blood speckled trousers. Staring down at the child's hand the elder simply kicked the bruised hand away gaining a sharp intake of breath from his grandson._

"_Be quiet boy" he ordered, not showing a sliver of remorse to the broken body._

"_Grandfather" the younger couldn't stay quiet, he needed his grandfather. He needed his help._

"_I told you to be quiet" he gritted his teeth as he stepped closer, "stay quiet or I'll make you" the old man threatened._

"_Grandfa-ah!" He cried out as pain racked through his mind, the man's steel toed boots stamping on the younger's head sending him straight into unconsciousness._

_0000_

"_Kai, Kai wake up. Please wake up Kai," hazy crimson eyes cracked open a sliver, staring up at the dusty beams of the mansions attic._

"_D-Dranzer?" He asked, knowing that voice, he'd always hear it when he woke up. He knew it was just his imagination that gave the chip a voice but it comforted him to hear a loving voice call his name. In truth, he sometimes provoked his grandfather just so he'd be beaten to unconsciousness. Just so he could hear her voice._

"_Kai..." and the voice faded to a quiet whispering in the back of his head. Just as it always did, fading into oblivion being taken over by the turmoil in his life._

"_Dranzer" he sighed, rolling onto his side, wincing as his broken rib throbbed on the hard wood floor. He didn't have a bed; he wasn't good enough to have a bed. According to that accursed grandfather that is. "I need you" he finally admitted._

"Kai, please, wake up. We'll help you, please Kai, we need you" a soft voice cut through his nightmares tearing him from his bedroom to an empty void in space. He was floating through the world, no longer in his six year old body.

"Kai, come on, wake up. Grandpa said you can stay with us till you get better"

"And my dad said he'd cook for you, you can even have my noodles"

"Kai, we'll help. We won't smother you if that's not what you want. We'll help you get better, please. You're too strong to be lying in a hospital bed."

'No,' he thought 'I'm not strong, I'm not at all. No one strong would do what I do, no one strong would be as weak as to make friends.'

"Kai, we just want to help. You don't have to tell us why we just want to help"

He could feel his body being pulled up, up away from the dark abyss he was encased it. Up towards a light, a blindingly bright light that seemed to almost flicker. And as he rose the voice got louder, almost to the point that they were deafening.

0000

"Kai, please, wake up" as soon as the words left the neko's lips crimson eyes crept open his heart beat rising subtly as he regained consciousness.

"Kai!" They all screamed, causing the teen to slam his eyes closed and his doctors to pour in.

"What happened?" They asked in a panic.

"He woke up" Kenny sighed heavily as he stared at the scrunched up face of his captain. His tired eyes starting to open cautiously once more.

"Kai" the group repeated at a more reasonable level.

"We thought we lost you" Tyson told him, placing the boy's scarf in his hands. Knowing just how much the piece of fabric meant to the stoic boy.

"Can't get rid of me that easily" he answered, his voice raspy and in terrible need of fluid.

"I guess not"

Wincing at the pain in his neck the teen's eyes dropped back shut. It was simply too much effort to stay awake right now.

0000

"He woke up" Tyson breathed as he stared at his captain. He was going to live, he'd woken up, he wasn't going to die now.

"Yeah Ty he did, as Kai said, we're not getting rid of him that easily."

"I don't want to get rid of him Maxie; I just want to know why."

"You can't expect him to be open with us Tyson. Things like this do affect people but that doesn't mean he's just going to become an open book. Kai's life is complicated; I only know a small fraction of it. We can't expect to understand why. We just need him to trust us enough to let us help him stop"

"I understand Mr D; I can't help being curious though"

"I know"

"Mr Dickinson, what do you know about Kai?" Ray asked, looking from his friend to the elder by his side.

"I don't think it's my place to tell boys. We should leave it to Kai to tell us when and if he's ready. But I can say that his life has been hard. There's been a great deal of hardship in his life. He's very strong to be able to live each day with what he's endured."

"I know he has problems with his grandfather"

"He does Max, big problems. But we should leave it to Kai; it's his story to tell. Now come on boys, let's go get some food, I'm sure Kai'll be hungry when he wakes up"

Life seemed to refill Tyson at the mention of his favourite pass time and as he ran through the door he didn't spare a thought for the brunette he left sprawled on the floor.

"Do you think there'll be any food left for Kai when we're down there?" He asked, picking himself up simultaneously checking Dizzi for dents.

"I don't know Kenny, but we best hurry just to make sure."

As everyone left the room Max hung back for a moment to cast Kai a quick glance.

"I don't need to know why Kai, you're not the type to explain, but I'm glad you're going to be ok. We'll make sure you never have to cut yourself again." With a soft smile he flicked off the room light, shutting the door softly to give his enigmatic captain some much needed silence.

**Thanks to everyone who voted on my poll, and hopefully you like this chapter. Please read review**


	8. Chapter 8

Once the door closed the bluenette stirred, opening his crimson eyes a fraction to stare around the darkened room he shifted slightly wincing as the needles in his hands and arms were pulled.

"I never thought I'd end up in here" he sighed, lifting his arm to stare at the phoenix bit chip he gave her a small smile. "I did used to hear you didn't I?" He asked her, knowing she knew exactly what he was talking about.

Despite the lack of light the chip shone in his hand.

"I never thought that voice in the back of my head was you. I always thought I was imagining your voice."

He sighed at the lack of answers he'd receive.

"I know you can't answer me now. Why would you? I basically killed myself. I'm lucky to be alive. You deserve better than me." A soft heat pulsed through his hand making his skin tingle. "Is that your way of telling me 'no'?" He questioned the phoenix.

He gained no verbal answer, just the heat slowly dimming to a comforting warmth.

"I guess so. It seems you're stuck with me." Smiling softly he raised a hand to his throat, brushing his fingers softly over the bandage taped to his raw skin. With a hiss of pain he added slightly more pressure, trying to feel how long the cut was. "Perfect, I listen to Tala once and it nearly kills me. I wasn't planning on dying for another couple of years. At least till after Voltaire's court date."

With a stifled yelp of pain he dropped the blue blade, his skin tingling and quickly reddening.

"I've told you before Dranzer, I'll wait though. I promise that." He hesitated to touch her blade, the blue metal still holding a reddish glow. "I promise" the colour faded till his blade looked normal again and he finally grabbed onto her.

Settling down in his bed in as comfortable a position as possible he held her above his head, his eyes tracing every little scratch on her.

"You're just like me, covered in scars. The only difference is none of yours are self-inflicted, while a minority of mine are."

Heat radiated from her once more, reminding him greatly of when his mother would hold him as a child. The heat that would surround his body always left him completely content. Dranzer was more like a mother than anyone else, after his mother died she was the only one who made him secure. The only one he trusted more than anything. She was his surrogate mother, but she may have well been his real one.

"I am sorry Dranzer, for everything"

"_Kai_" jumping at the soft voice seeping through the back of his mind he tried to calm his racing heart. It couldn't be doing his battered body any good.

"Dranzer"

"_Kai_" the voice repeated

"I'm sorry"

"_I understand, I wouldn't be a good guardian if I didn't_"

"I didn't mean to nearly kill myself"

"_I know, that's why I used all my strength to try and keep your heart going_"

"Dran-" before the word could be completed his door was inched open, a baseball hat covered head popping through the slightly ajar door.

"Kai!"

"Tyson, your voice"

"But Mr Dickinson, he's awake"

"Yes Tyson, but not so loud." The old man insisted as he opened the door fully, beaming at the injured bluenette. "Kai, how're you feeling?"

"Alright I suppose" he answered simply,

"Good, so do you want to talk or just rest?" The elder asked as he seated beside the teen.

An instinct engraved in him since childhood kicked in at the knowledge that he was in a vulnerable position. Trying to cease the shaking in his hands from too much movement he forced his arm to bear his weight as he attempted to sit. Cursing in Russian as his wrists refused to hold him.

Hands took hold of his upper arms to assist but he merely jerked them off, gritting his teeth and making himself ignore the pain that ran through his weakened body.

"Kai; let me help"

"Don't touch me Tyson" he ground out, finally managing to rest himself against the back of his temporary bed.

"Oh, uh sorry" he apologised, not knowing quite what to say to his icy captain. Sensing the awkwardness begin to rise in the small room the youngest started to voice the question on everyone's mind.

"So, Kai, do you maybe... you kno-"

"Oh for Christ sake. Why'd you try and kill yourself?" Tyson cut in, growing bored with Kenny's attempt at speaking to Kai. It was no secret that he was intimidated by the bluenette.

His crimson eyes drew into a narrow glare at the question, his teeth grinding together to halt the slew of curses that wished to pass through.

"What was that?" He asked, his voice ice cold betraying the fire burning in his eyes.

"Wha-who me?" Tyson asked, stepping away from the injured boy. More than aware of the predicament he'd place himself in.

"Yes, Tyson, what did you say?"

"Uh, well, I uh, uh...can you repeat the question?" He tried, stuck for words. He'd known that question was idiotic as soon as he'd closed his mouth.

"Kai" Ray cut in, pushing Tyson away, "what our idiotic friend was asking was how did you hurt yourself?"

"Accident" he answered, his eyes not even meeting the neko's. He was far too engaged in making the hat wearing teen squirm.

"What happened?"

"I caught my neck on a knife"

"How'd you get the knife?" Ray kept pressing, using his only partial attention to his advantage.

"It was my fathers, I always have it" he responded, adding the last part as an afterthought.

"What do you use it for?"

At this he paused, finally breaking eye contact with Tyson.

"None of your business."

"I make my friends health my business Kai, and if that hurt you, you must have been using it for something."

"I was holding it"

"How?"

Biting the inside of his lip Kai prayed that they couldn't tell, it wouldn't do for them to see just how anxious he was becoming. His fingers tightened around Dranzer, his knuckles turning white.

"...I was lying down...holding it above me. I dropped it." He lied avoiding eye contact with him. He was usually a skilled liar, but when something he'd kept secret for years was on the verge of being discovered it made his mind gain a sense of guilt he'd never felt before.

"I don't believe you Kai." He stated simply. "I know you're lying because Max found you with the knife in your hand. Why're you lying?"

"I can't tell you?" He mumbled his eyes fixed on Dranzer's chip.

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to"

"Can't and won't are very different things Kai. Why won't you? Don't you trust us?"

"No, I don't trust you. How can I? How can I trust anyone?"

"What do you mean?"

"If my own family hate me and will leave me to fend for myself how can I expect people who don't even like me to stay around? How can I trust people who I know will leave me at the drop of a hat?"

"We would never do that?"

"How do I know that? How do I know you're not just like all the rest?"

"Because you should know us better, we just want to help you. We'd never leave you, no matter what" the neko defended his voice raising as he got more irate at the injured boy.

"Why wouldn't you? Everyone else has! My own fucking father left me for no fucking reason! Why wouldn't people I hardly know?!"

"Because we actually care!"

"Why?!"

"Because like it or not you're our friend!"

The two were simply screaming at the other now, no one else daring to intervene for fear of the neko and Russian's wrath.

"I don't like it, and I never will. I care nothing for you!"

"Yeah, say that to Dranzer!"

"Don't bring her into this" Kai hissed, his voice dropping to nothing but a whisper, and if anything that made it all the more intimidating.

"Why not? If it weren't for us you wouldn't have her right now" Ray countered, his voice returning to its normal level.

"I would have had her back one way or another. So don't think you can use her as leverage."

"Kai" the Chinese started, changing his approach, bringing up guilt regarding the phoenix wouldn't accomplish anything. "Please, just tell us what actually happened. I promise we'll help, we aren't like everyone else. We do care. Just please. Whatever it is we'll help"

Kai's eyes dropped to his lap, his mind going a mile a minute as he tried to decipher the emotions in the boy's voice. But all he could find was sympathy. No pity, no deceit, no nothing. Just sympathy, with a little lace of frustration for good measures.

Lowering his head more he mumbled three words he never thought he'd admit to any non-abbey kid.

"I cut myself"

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	9. Chapter 9

The silence was suffocating; no one knew how to break it. Though they knew Kai cut himself to hear the boy admit to it finally made it settle fully in their minds.

"W-why?" Ray stuttered out after a few long tense minutes.

"Why what?" Kai asked, completely lost in his thoughts

"Why do you cut yourself?"

"Why should I tell you?"

"Because we can't help you if you don't tell us" Tyson added, chewing on his lip as he stared at Kai, for once the bluenette didn't have his guard up and he could see emotion on his face. He looked...scared.

"I don't need help, so I went a little far, I won't do it again. For a while at least"

"What do you mean a while?!" Mr Dickinson shot up from his seat, his features etched with worry and confusion.

"What it sounds like, for a while. I'll probably end it before I'm too old. But I want to wait till after something. That's why I've been cutting more than usual"

"What do you mean more than usual?" Ray asked before they could cut in again, he knew pressing softly for answers would be the least likely to make Kai's walls go up. Shouting would just make him go on defence.

"I don't usually cut, just when I need to, just for self-punishment. But, with everything that's happening I'm slipping, I'm going back to how I was as an abbey child. So much so that I've found myself cutting simply because I didn't like how I was breathing"

It took a moment for anyone to regain their breathing at the information that flooded their brains.

"W-what do you mean self-punishment?" Ray asked, pushing the last bit of information back for later.

"I cut myself as punishment. I know what is wrong and if I disobey the rules I've been given I must be punished. If Voltaire or Boris aren't there to fulfil my consequence then I must do it in lieu of them."

"What do they do?" He questioned, ignoring the lack of 'grandfather', he knew the two weren't close. Though instead of an answer Ray received silence from the eldest teen. "Kai?" Training his eyes on him he saw emotions flickering through his crimson eyes. There were too many to decipher and the sheen glazing them attracted a large portion of the neko-jin's concentration. Kai's emotions were conflicting, battling each other to decide which was correct. And, it seemed Kai was on the verge of...crying?

That couldn't be right.

Kai never cried, it wasn't in his nature. Yet the evidence all pointed to that exact thing.

"They...they punish me" he finally settled on, his disappointed sigh evidence that that wasn't what he wanted to say.

"We know that, but how? How do they? We won't judge Kai. Just try and help in any way we can"

Taking a few more seconds Kai finally found a resolve and stated clearly.

"They abuse me" licking his lips he elaborated "if you want to name it, they abuse me. I'm starved, beaten, whipped. Everything you could think of I've probably been through it. I've never told, I can't. There's no one to tell. My friends go through the same and everyone I can trust knows. But, this is the first time I've used that word"

They didn't know how to respond. How could they know so little about the bluenette? They knew him as the cold enigma. The boy too high and mighty to spare them a glance. But, Kai was nothing like that.

Coldness was the only way he knew to protect himself; if you didn't have people close to you you wouldn't be hurt. That was how Kai saw life, something that hurt him, something where no one cared enough to help.

"Kai..." Kenny started, but he trailed off, words of comfort dying on his tongue. Just because Kai was letting down one of his hundreds of guards didn't mean he had the right to comfort him. He definitely wouldn't appreciate it.

"I can't believe we never knew" Max sighed, he was slumped forwards in his chair, hands cradling his head. Max was the first to admit his world was sugar coated, he saw none of the evil in the world, and if he did he could explain it away. Convince himself they were just misguided. But how could he explain this away? And Kai spoke about it so candidly, almost as though it was normal.

To him it was.

"I never told" he answered simply

"You should have!" He snapped, shocking everyone by his outburst.

"Maxie-"

"No Tyson, he should have. We should have known! We could have helped for Christ's sake!" Tears were slipping down the blonde's face as he tried to control his anger. But he couldn't, there was so much he wanted to scream about.

About Kai not trusting him, about being so naïve he hadn't even noticed the bluenette's problems. Anger at himself for being blind to the world.

"I never wanted help"

"Why?" Max cried, his voice losing its anger to be replaced by pure confusion.

"I was taught to believe relying on others was a fatal weakness. That no one could be trusted and if I let my guard down they'd stab me in the back"

"Who taught you that?" Mr Dickinson asked, speaking for the first time.

"Voltaire"

"Kai, how can you trust his word after everything he's done to you?" Tyson challenged. Pausing Kai tried to think, but he couldn't. He had no answer.

"I don't know" he admitted, self-loathing filling him at being unable to answer a simple question.

"Kai, all he's ever done is hurt you. You should trust anyone more than him. Especially us, we came back for you. We never believed you were gone. And even though you deny it constantly you were always a part of the team. Kai; let us help. We'll help anyway we can. You can live with me till you get on your feet. And I promise, we won't pity you. Lord knows you don't need it. You just need someone who won't mess with your head. So, what do you say?" The navy haired teen asked after his impromptu speech.

"I don't have a way to repay you"

"Doesn't matter"

"I'm not going to start being nice to you"

"Wouldn't expect it"

"Alright"

"W-what?" Tyson stuttered, not having expected that.

"Alright, I'll let you help. But only a little" the insistence on the last part made Tyson smile.

"Yeah Kai, only a little"

Holding his hand out to the teen he chewed his lip hoping he'd take it. And with only mild hesitation Kai grabbed onto Tyson's hand.

"Good" he told himself, it was a strange feeling that filled Kai at the simple action. He'd shaken Tyson's hand before, once, but he never realised that was the first time someone's touch hadn't hurt.

It was definitely a strange feeling. One he'd have to get used to.

**Sorry it's short. Please read review**


	10. Chapter 10

Minutes passed in silence as they all waited for the other to make the first move, the slightest cough or sniffle from the blond caused large reactions. Mainly from the well circling the bluenette. Though they kept their distance, creating an invisible barrier between Kai and the outside world, but still giving the boy his much needed space. After what they'd learned they knew why it was so vital to him.

"I'll answer a question" Kai finally broke the silence, sick of it. Though he hated the thought of answering questions he couldn't stand the silence. It allowed time for them to speculate.

"Y-you will?" Tyson asked stunned.

"Of course, I can't avoid it. Avoidance is weak."

"Why do you consider everything is weak?"

"I don't, just a large majority of things are."

"L-like what?"

"Emotions, avoidance, fear, friends, reliance, love." He answered, though they were only a few.

"Love? Honestly mate none of them do. Friends give you strength, fear means you're aware. But love? How's that weak?"

"In the same way that friends are. You rely on people you love. And they never stick around. They're just there to betray you and be used against you. Besides, it's not like you gain anything from it, just reliance."

"I can't believe how warped your thinking is" Kenny mumbled to himself, shrinking back as he received a frosty glare from the angered bluenette. "Sorry Kai, but it's true. Have you never loved anyone? Your family?"

"I used to love my grandfather, but that was never real love. I loved him because he was my only family, but I hate that man. Believe it or not I consider Dranzer more family than him. I guess you could say I love her." A comforting heat pulsed through him as she heard her blader's words.

"You're that close to her?" Dizzi asked, speaking for the first time in a long while, her usual sarcasm was gone, replaced with what sounded like a maternal tone. She wasn't a mother herself yet she considered Kenny as a son in many respects. He was her Kenny, and she could understand how Dranzer saw Kai.

"Of course, she's saved my life on numerous occasions. Yet all I've ever done is hurt her and betray her. I guess it's like a mother in that respect too, she'll always forgive me and I'll never see myself as worthy of her."

"Wow Kai," Tyson breathed, not believing just how much Kai's head was messed up. "How can you not think you're worthy? Yeah you've made mistakes. But guess what? You're human, you can't be perfect, Christ, I'm surprised you're not a murderer with everything you've been through. Dranzer knows you. She knows how you think, feel, act. She knows when you regret and that alone made her forgive you. And you know something, you showing her a sliver of humanity after what you've endured makes you worthy of her."

No one spoke for a long time, all far too shocked that Tyson could think like that. But when the silence was broken it was something Tyson never thought he'd hear.

"Thank you"

His eyes snapped over to Kai who had his eyes trained on the phoenix bit beast, a small smile had slipped onto his face without his knowledge and for once he didn't care to keep his guard up. He'd never thought about it like that, but with the soft heat Dranzer was giving out it was clear she agreed with the navy haired boy

"W-what was that?" Tyson stuttered, not caring to believe he'd heard right.

"Thank you Tyson, I never saw it that way. But, I suppose you're right." As the teen was about to say something that would probably take away Kai's raised opinion the door swung open, his doctor stood there with a small smile on his face.

"I see you're doing better Kai, in fact, if things stay this way you may be able to be discharged today. Though of course, you'll need someone to take care of you. Is there anyone we can call?" The man asked, stepping inside the room packed with children.

More than a little relieved that he could escape this bed Kai answered before any of the others could offer.

"I have a few people I can call, I'm sure they wouldn't mind coming over to my house. Once I'm discharged I plan on going back home" the doctor nodded, leaving without another word to leave the team to talk.

"Who're you calling?"

"Yeah Kai, you could have just stayed at my dojo, grandpa wouldn't have minded."

"I've already been too much of a burden, besides, they'd kill me if I didn't let them in. I've known them for far longer than I've known you. They know how to handle this better than you all will"

"We still want to be there Kai"

"Of course" he knew he couldn't stop them from being there, after everything that happened they wouldn't leave him be till he got help.

The group couldn't deny that they were shocked, Kai finally seemed to have stopped dragging his heels. Hopefully it'd stay this way.

"Well, boys, let's leave Kai till later. I'll arrange the trip back home. I think plane would be best. It's not too far but I want to get you all home as soon as possible. Do we know where we're staying?" Mr Dickinson asked as he pushed himself to his feet. As Tyson was about to offer his home to the rest of the Bladebreakers Kai spoke up once more.

"You can all stay at my house, it's more than big enough and with Voltaire no longer there there's nothing for you to worry about. The servants never did like him so they'll have no problem caring for you all."

None had the chance to question any of what Kai'd just offered as they were being sent through the door by Mr Dickinson. The boys knew little about Kai's family but they did know that they wouldn't get many answers now. Mr Dickinson closed the door knowing the boy would want some privacy so he could call his friends.

Once the door closed he grabbed the phone on his bedside table. It was supposed to be used for calls within Tokyo but Kai could easily pay any added fee. Dialling the number quickly, having called numerous times in the past, he barely had to wait two rings before a tired voice picked up on the other end.

"Привет?"

"Tala"

**Привет means hello in Russian. Please read review**


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry it's so terribly short but I felt this was important.**

The conversation had been brief and a large majority had been nothing but coarse language, still the point had come across. And with a throbbing headache Kai laid in his bed, the thin sheets pulled over his head.

Ordinarily he'd never allow himself to use such childish behaviour but he was making an exception. Seemed there were a lot of exceptions today.

Rolling onto his side he barely flinched when his wound was pressed, pain radiating from the slice in his flesh and pulsating throughout his body.

For once in his life he didn't know what to do, he'd always been directed, everything in his life controlled by a man he daren't call grandfather. Now, he had nothing and no one. The only people who understood him and would listen to his plight off in Russia getting a plane to his mansion to tear his head off for nearly dying on them.

He dreaded the lecture he'd receive. His friends weren't ones for longwinded speeches. They, like him, preferred silence. But he knew more than anything that they wouldn't keep their mouths shut concerning this conversation.

"What am I going to do Dranzer?" He asked, his fingers twitching as anxiety grew in him. Being out of control always gave him a small fear, fear of the unknown. And, regrettably, his comfort was in the form of his knife. It was almost like an itch needing to be scratched. He needed the pain of the cold metal followed by the soothing numbness. Punishment that was also a salvation.

Forcing himself from his bed with the intent to try and ease his anxiety. Confinement always made him anxious; hopefully once he was away from the bed he wouldn't feel so trapped. But, as soon as his feet touched the floor his eyes locked onto his folded up clothing. Currently wearing only hospital pyjamas he walked over to his clothes. Not really wanting to think why.

Grabbing onto his trousers he pulled them from the pile, instinctively grabbing at his pockets, searching for something. His hand touched something hard in his large pocket. Pulling the pocket open he dipped his hand inside, curling his fingers around cool wood. Retracting his hand he stared down at the engraving 'SH'. It was still there, they had left his knife in his trousers. A strange feeling of relief and anger fuelled him. But he ignored it, going straight to the joining bathroom.

Flicking on the light he didn't bother to look around heading straight to the sink and staring into the mirror hanging over the porcelain bowl. His crimson eyes had dulled bags surrounding them and making the orbs look even more sunken in. His markings were chipped, the pale skin underneath visible just marginally. His normally pale skin looked pasty, like life had left him. But the blood loss was more than likely the cause of that.

Pulling out the knife's blade he stared at it intently. He shouldn't be doing this. After what he'd just done he shouldn't be doing this to himself. He should be laid in bed, hating himself for the sympathy that was radiating from his teammates. He should be on the phone speaking to his friends, listening to them cursing profusely about his idiocy at almost dying.

But no, here he was stood by the sink, knife in hand. Just like so many other times. Staring himself dead in the eye, he didn't lose eye contact with his reflection. Not even flinching as he pressed the cold metal against his scarred flesh. Dragging the blade across his skin he barely noticed the wet pool forming in the welt of his flesh. Not until he pulled the knife away to stare at the red fluid spilling over the edge, running into the sink.

The feeling of fulfilment rose in his chest, like the evil in his soul was cleansed and he was pure. He was no longer himself, but someone worthy of this planet. The feeling lasted but a few moments more, before draining away along with his blood. Leaving just anger and self-hatred.

Gritting his teeth he glared at himself, crimson eyes boring into themselves. Trying to search his own mind for a reason why. Dropping the knife into the pink tinged bowl he clenched his fist, so tightly his knuckles faded to white. He couldn't stop his frustration anymore. He'd failed, he'd almost died and still, he couldn't stop himself. His fist shot out, crashing into the reflective glass of the mirror.

Smashing into his own face sending spider web like cracks through it, small shards cutting open his hand. Yet he ignored the pain, as blood trickled down the split skin of his knuckles he ignored it. Just standing there, seething.

Fighting the urge to grab the knife once more he instead yanked the towel from behind the door, wrapping it around his lower arm to stem the flow of blood.

He should have felt lucky that he'd only snagged a blood vessel, but all he was thinking was he wished he'd sliced through his vein. Maybe then he could just die and the world wouldn't be burdened with housing him anymore.

**Sorry again, please read review.**


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